


Doubt

by holloway88



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst/Fluff, Anxiety, College AU, M/M, anxiety attack, just graduated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-04-18
Packaged: 2018-06-02 17:52:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6576523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holloway88/pseuds/holloway88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oikawa Tooru doesn't cry.<br/>At least, that's what he wants everybody to think. The truth, is that Oikawa Tooru cries, and he cries a lot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doubt

**Author's Note:**

> I needed to vent this out and I've been picturing this scene in my head lately so have some super short iwaoi angst! I haven't written any fanfic since I was in middle school but I hope you enjoy it!

Oikawa Tooru doesn't cry.

At least, that's what he wants everybody to think. The truth, is that Oikawa Tooru cries, and he cries a lot. However, in the past few months he has been crying a lot more than normal. The reason for his tears this time is not as shallow as the other reasons. The reason he's crying his eyes out at his desk in a dark bedroom at two thirty in the morning with snot running down his face is because of Iwaizumi Hajime. _Iwaizumi Hajime_ , the only person that makes Oikawa feel genuinely _happy_. He knows it's not right, to put so much dependency on one person, but Oikawa just can't help himself when it comes to Iwaizumi. His chest rose and fell with each sharp inhale of air while the hot tears stung his eyes and dropped down onto his wooden desk.

Why did he think that this would have worked out? Whatever _this_ was. _Stupid, stupid, stupid_. He smacked his hands against his head. His right leg started to shake and his breathing pace increased again. He could feel his body start to get _hot_ , and when it gets hot it gets _itchy_. And Oikawa hates it. He hates it more than anything in the world, but once it starts there's no stopping it until it _decides_ to be over. He felt like he was on fire, but not in the good way. He started scratching at his hands and legs, shaking while doing so.

This is what he gets, for putting so much into one person.

At least that's what people would say, if they knew why we was such a mess. So that's why he never tells a single soul, not one person knows about what happens to him when he gets too upset, or when he's been thinking by himself for too long. Not even Iwaizumi knows. Nobody knows about when it first happened and he didn't talk for three days, because he was so confused and scared. Or about another time when it happened and he couldn't hit a single spike at practice and everybody made fun of him for it. It was all just teasing, nobody was really bullying him, but Gods did it feel like he was suffocating. Oikawa had always know that this attack would come, though. It was always there, in the back of his mind. He tried to avoid it for as long as he could, but he knew that one day it would catch up with him.

He vigorously scratched at his head, his hands, his legs, and his chest. No matter what he did he couldn't stop the feeling like something was crawling on him. The burning sensation wasn't going to leave for a while, Oikawa decided. He stopped all of a sudden and just stared at the floor. He tried to clear his mind, he tried to think about _anything_ other than Iwaizumi. He didn't want to think about Friday after their last official practice when they were sitting under the night sky, watching for shooting stars. He didn't want to remember about how he looked at Iwaizumi and felt consumed by joy and trust. He didn't want to, he couldn't. It was already crushing him.

He couldn't stop himself from thinking about the way Iwaizumi looked, and the way he couldn't stop the words that came out of his mouth.

 _"Hajime, I love you."_ The way the words rolled out of Oikawa's mouth so smoothly told him that everything was going to be alright, that nothing could possibly go wrong. The fact that Iwaizumi was going to university in a different city than Oikawa meant nothing. In that moment Oikawa felt like he was on top of the world, that he really was the "Great King". Oikawa's hands smacked into his head again while the tears continued to fall. He cried silently, like he has with every other attack. He didn't want anybody to know, because that would make him weak. He didn't want to be weak, he couldn't handle being weak.

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid._ He made himself weak, he definitely made himself weak on Friday night. So why was he still letting this bother him on Saturday night? How embarrassing, how stupid, how dumb could he have been? His heart was crushed and he wasn't recovering from it-at all. He remembered the way Iwaizumi's face twisted after he spoke, and how he began to breathe faster. He remembered how Iwaizumi started to stutter and how his cheeks flushed. Most of all he remembered how good it felt when they finally pressed their lips to each others. His first kiss with Iwaizumi was under the starry sky, just how Oikawa had always imagined it. However he didn't expect Iwaizumi to leave him there in a hurry, without saying a single word.

Oikawa couldn't breathe anymore, he felt like the weight of the world was crushing around his lungs. He realized while sitting alone in the back of a dark room that he truly was alone without Iwaizumi. What a terrible situation to be in. Oikawa's shaky fingers scrolled through his contact list in his cell phone, desperate to find anybody that would be willing to listen to him, help him even. He considered Hanamaki, but decided that he didn't want he whole world to know about his problems. His phone went flying across the room and hit the ground with a loud clank.  


He was shaking and crying, he couldn't stop thinking about Iwaizumi leaving. Iwaizumi didn't say anything to him after he proclaimed his damned love for him, and boy did he mean it. He meant it so badly. He still means it. "Fuck." Oikawa grunted through his sharp breaths.

The phone on the other side of the room buzzed suddenly, and Oikawa was surprised it wasn't broken from it's previous toss. He stood up out of his chair which toppled over. Oikawa flinched at the sound and kept walking to his phone. It was nearly four in the morning and Oikawa wondered if this was his longest attack yet. Anxiety attack, that is. A surge of guilt washed over Oikawa at the words "anxiety attack". Since he wasn't able to tell anybody about what happens, he hasn't been able to be diagnosed. Calling them anxiety attacks makes Oikawa feel a little better, though. He doesn't feel as isolated as he did when they started.

Oikawa finally unlocked his phone and opened the new messages.

 **Received: 3:04am**  
**Sender: Hajime**  
hey..

 **Received: 3:06am**  
**Sender: Hajime**  
tooru don't be mad at me

 **Received: 3:06am**  
**Sender: Hajime**  
we need to talk

Oikawa's face was sticky from tears and snot and he was a disgusting mess. He pressed his lips together angrily and began typing out his frustrations with shaky thumbs. Due to the lack of visibility from the tears still pouring out of his eyes he decided just to call him, so he could yell at him. He brought the phone to his ear and was still shaking pretty bad. Iwaizumi answered almost instantly after the first ring in Oikawa's ears. "Tooru?" he croaked in a hoarse voice.

"Don't you say my name." Oikawa spat. "You don't have the right to that."

"Tooru, listen to me please."

Everything Oikawa has been keeping to himself for his whole life just started to spill out in one sad blur. "I don't need to listen to you because the last time I wanted to listen to you, you just left me. You just left me sitting there alone! Do you know how stupid I felt? How stupid I feel right now? I can't stop crying I can't stop shaking!" Oikawa was thankful for once that his parents were out of town, because he was just screaming as loud as he could. "I just don't feel like I can even breathe anymore and I've just been crying for so long and I just can't do this anymore!" he continued.

"Toor-" Iwaizumi couldn't even finish the first word that came out of his mouth before the brunette was yelling at him through the receiver again.

"And another thing, did you tell everybody about this already? Nobody has texted me since before practice on Friday, nobody has messaged me or anything and I'm pretty sure I was kicked out of the Facebook group for volleyball club." this is the part where Oikawa continues to yell and scream and cry for a solid fifteen minutes, where he lets out all of his pent up anger that has been building up inside of him for so many years. The hot tears streaked down his flushed cheeks, he was hot, itchy, and wishing every moment that it would all just stop and that he would be free. Nothing of the sort happened, of course, and he continued to have a fit even when he was sure he heard Iwaizumi hang up the phone. "I love you, you moron. Please don't leave me."

 _Don't leave me._ Those words raced through Oikawa's mind a thousand times.

"Please, Iwa-Chan. Please don't leave me." the phone dropped to the floor as he sank to his knees, then his bottom. He scooted his body until he was in the corner of his room with his legs pressed against his chest. He was certain he had cried himself dry, because the tears had stopped flowing but he was sure he wasn't better yet. He didn't know how long he yelled at Iwaizumi, and he hated himself for every bitter word that came out of his mouth. He really had royally messed things up this time, hadn't he? Slowly his breathing went back to a normal pace. Eyes puffy and tired from crying blankly stared at the wooden floorboards of his bedroom, the alien print on his pajama pants that usually made him smile made him wish he never bought them.

 _If I wasn't so weird, annoying, mean, rude.._. the list of negative things Oikawa found in himself began to roll in his eyes like a bad shopping list. _Just maybe Iwaizumi would like me._

Five o' clock passed, then six, then seven. It took until eight in the morning for Oikawa to finally feel calm enough to move from the corner of his bedroom, but that's only because there was a knock at his front door. Trudging through the hallway with his feet dragging and his head low he hoped it was just the mailman at the door. He absentmindedly opened it quickly and stared at Iwaizumi. He was dressed in his school uniform, _how professional_ , Oikawa thought.

"Tooru, oh my, you look..." Iwaizumi struggled to find the right words to say. What did you say to a person who looked so...dead? Is dead the right word? Iwaizumi wouldn't know how he would describe Oikawa if he had to do that. His once bright eyes were dull and had dark bags under them, his hair was sticking up in all different directions, and his shirt looked like it was stained with snot.

Oikawa stared at Iwaizumi for a long while before finally speaking. "You better come in, the neighbors will ask questions." was all he said before turning around and leaving Iwaizumi in the doorway. Iwaizumi followed quickly behind him, closing the door and kicking his shoes off fast.

"Tooru, I have to talk to you." Iwaizumi's face was pink and his brows were narrowed.

"Obviously, that's why you showed up at my house on a Sunday morning."

Iwaizumi took a deep breath and then exhaled, to try and calm his nerves. "Tooru, come here." he moved close to his best friend and pulled him into a hug-that Oikawa did not return. Oikawa's arms hung limp against his side while Iwaizumi embraced him tightly. "I'm not leaving you, I'm not ever leaving you, Tooru." his words were warm and they made Oikawa feel a pang of relief.

Doubt flooded his mind and made the relief short lived. "You're just saying that, we're going to be miles away. You're going to play for a new team and have new friends and you're going to forget all about me." silence. "I can't say I blame you, though. I'm not a very good person." Oikawa tried to pull away, shifting his body side to side and pulling. Iwaizumi was hard pressed not to let him get away, and he only tightened his grasp around Oikawa. He touched Oikawa's face and pointed it towards his own, gently putting their foreheads together.

"Tooru, I am never leaving you. Don't you ever say that you're not a good person again, damn it. You're the most amazing person I know." he said again and then they sat in the silence again. "I switched universities." The room was so quiet you could hear a needle drop. "I switched universities and I'm going to the same as you." he explained.

"What? Why? That's so stupid, you've always wanted to get away..." Oikawa was confused by the situation. He was _really_ confused, in fact.

"Can I tell you something selfish?"

"Of course." Oikawa nodded.

"The reason, that I wanted to leave so badly... is because I never thought that you would feel the same way as I feel about you." Iwaizumi was stuttering on his words and his cheeks were definitely pink with embarrassment. "It was selfish, but I always assumed that you were straight, and it hurt me too badly to be around you." Oikawa looked up at Iwaizumi and the waterworks were back on. "Tooru, I'm so sorry I left you on Friday. It was the last day I could deny my acceptance... but then you didn't answer me all day Saturday, not to mention I got the lecture of a lifetime from my parents..."

Oikawa's lips twitched as the tears rolled out of his eyes again, this time he was overwhelmed with joy and trust instead of fear and sadness. "Iwaizumi, you idiot!" he moved in closer to his best friend's face and was soon engulfed in warmth and happiness. His heart felt like it was soaring and he felt like he was glowing from head to toe. "You should have told me sooner."


End file.
